Helping Children Grieve
a Suicide Loss

One night, during an SOS meeting, a young widow tearfully asked "What do I do with my two kids?" Since I was not dealing with small children in my healing process, I had to tell her that I had no answers for her that night. But I offered to do some homework and bring her information the following week. Below are some of the suggestions that I found for her and for other survivors who deal with children in grief.
 
Additional excellent information can be found in: Survivors of Suicide: Coping With The Suicide Of A Loved One - a pamphlet printed by the American Association of Suicidology, Child Survivors of Suicide: A Guidebook For Those Who Care For Them - a booklet by Rebecca Parkin with Karen Dunn-Maxim, and the book Helping Children Cope With Grief, by Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D.

In addition, there is a chapter dealing with children in many of the books on my Suggested Reading page. Dealing with a suicide death is difficult enough for adults; my heart goes out to survivors who share their sorrow with little ones - and I hope that the following information is helpful in that experience.

Suggestions for Helping Children

Children have the same emotional needs after the suicide of a loved one as adults, but often their hurts are not taken seriously. Many times adults have their hands full of grief and do not think to reach out to the children. Here are some ideas.

  
  1. It is important to be honest with your children. Give the correct information in a loving, compassionate way.
  2. The explanation should be clear and direct. Be careful not to over explain.
  3. Listen carefully. Answer their questions truthfully and be consistent in telling the truth about the suicide.
  4. Talk about the deceased family member.
  5. Discuss better ways than suicide to handle problems.
  6. Tell all your children - even the younger ones.
  7. Encourage children to share their grief with those at home and with trusted persons outside the family.
  8. You can help your children grieve by letting them see your tears, by crying with them, and by letting them know that it's okay to be upset.
  9. Have a positive attitude toward your children.
  10. Be aware of your children's possible feelings of guilt. Assure them that it wasn't their fault.
  11. Children need to know that suicide is an individual matter. Even if family members do it, they can still choose not to.
  12. Children may experience all the many emotions and phases of grief.
  13. Teach your children to be selective about who they tell the story of suicide.  

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Helping Children Through Grief

From Bereavement and Support by Marylou HughesTaylor & Francis, 1995, Used with permission
  1. Return to the normal household schedule as quickly as possible. Children feel more secure with their regular routine.
  2. Let the children know that they are protected and safe. When they feel secure, they will be able to live through their grief.
  3. Try to understand the children's behavior. If they do not have the words, they will express their grief through their behavior.
  4. Involve the children in a ceremony that gives them an opportunity to say good-bye to their loved one.
  5. Talk about bad dreams, or have the children draw a picture of the dream. Have them rip up the picture and throw it away. This gets rid of the dreams.
  6. Do not be alarmed if the children play at dying or death. This is a way for them to work thought their feelings and fears.
  7. It is meaningful for the child to do something to memorialize the loved one.
  8. Plan something for the child to look forward to, such as a vacation or other enjoyable experience.
  9. Let the children help out in age-appropriate ways.
  10. When you are not available, make sure the children know that someone trustworthy is present.
  11. Look at pictures of the deceased together.
  12. Give the children tangible mementos of the person who died.
  13. Let children stay children. Do not lean on them for comfort and support.
  14. Let the school know of the death, and let the children know you are doing this. They may not want you to. Do it anyway. It is better for the children to know that the teacher and the other children know about the death, than to suspect they might know.

Talking With Children In Grief

From Bereavement and Support by Marylou HughesTaylor & Francis, 1995, Used with permission
    1. Be direct. Use the correct words. Say "dead." Do not use words that soft-pedal what happened. Children are not able to generalize from the words "sleeping," "gone," or "lost." They will believe that the person is lost, sleeping, or gone for a while, all of which imply that the person will come back.
    2. Do not go into detail or give long explanations. Give the facts. Wait for questions. Answer the questions. If you do not know the answer, do not guess or make something up. Admit that you do not know. If you can find out the answer from another source, tell the child that, and follow through.
    3. Find out what the children are thinking. Ask the children what they have heard and what they think has happened.
    4. Talk about your feelings. If you look sad or are crying, explain why. Let children know that the unhappy feelings are in no way related to them, but that you are mourning the death of the loved one.
    5. Reassure the children that they will be cared and provided for.
    6. Talk about the person who died. Bring up fond memories and other memories too.
    7. Talk about the procedures that surround the death, such as the wake, funeral, memorial service, cremation, burial, and visitation. Explain what will happen and give the child an opportunity to participate.
    8. Read a children's book about death to the child.
    9. Praise children when they are functioning well so they will feel more able and not so out-of-control. However, do not ask them to be grown up and take on adult responsibilities and behaviors.
    10. A hug is always nice.
    11. Make sure the children know what caused the death and that it is not related to anything they did, is not a punishment, and is not contagious. They will not catch it and neither will you. Assure them that you will be around for a long time.
    12. Be prepared to repeat explanations and give the information again and again.

    Assisting Children To Live With Death

    Adults must play a significant role in assisting children to live with death. The most important thing adults can do is to help children understand and accept their feelings throughout the entire death experience. The following information is intended to assist you in this effort.
    1. Children need to learn how to mourn; that is, to go through the process of giving up some of the feelings they have invested in an animal or person and go on with other and new relationships. 
    2. They need to remember; to be touched by the feelings generated by their memories.
    3. They need to struggle with real or imagined guilt over what they could have done. 
    4. They need to deal with their anger over the loss  
    5. Children need to be informed about a death. If they aren't told, but see that adults are upset, they may invent their own explanations and even blame themselves.
    6. Children need to understand the finality of death. Because abstract thinking is difficult for them, they may misunderstand if adults say that a person or animal "went away" or "went to sleep." If you believe in an after life and want to tell your child about it, it is important to emphasize that they won't see the person or animal again on earth.
    7. Children need to say good-bye to the deceased by participating in viewings and/or funerals, if only for a few minutes. No child is too young to participate in these activities.
    8. Children need opportunities to work out their feelings and deal with their perceptions of death by talking, dramatic playing, reading books or expressing themselves through the arts.
    9. Children need reassurance that the adults in their lives will take care of themselves and probably won't die until after the children are grown. However, children need to know that everybody will die some day.
    10. Children need to know that other children die, but only if they are very sick or if there is a bad accident. It is equally important that they understand that almost all children grow and live to be very old.
    11. Children need to be allowed to show their feelings; to cry, become angry or even laugh. The best approach is to empathize with their feelings. For example, you might say, "You're sad, You miss Grandma. Tell me about it."
    12. Children need to feel confident that their questions will be answered honestly and not avoided. They need to know that adults will give them answers they can understand. Adults should take their cues from the children and answer only what they ask.